Warning, this is going to be a very emotional post. You don't have to read if you don't want to. But scroll down if you wish to wander upon the emotional side of me. But be warned that I do not like people to judge me from what you know about me as all you know about me as just meager parts of me.
And so many thing happened recently, so much that I couldn't remember most of it. Life has been pretty fine. Many ups and many downs. Mostly downs though. I've been thinking that perhaps my friends around me are not what they seem. Or rather, they are not really friends. I feel kind of left out wherever I go. Be it in groups or just going out with someone alone. I feel weird. It's like I don't belong in this world. I can't seem to find my sense of belonging. Maybe there are some similar topics which I can share with most of you. But that barely scratched the surface of this thing called friendship. Having nonsensical conversation with someone doesn't mean you're friends. I know you may regard me as your friend, but deep inside me, I know that this is not the kind of friends I want. Sorry if I've offended anyone. But I've been looking for real friends here and there. Not the kind of online friends where you chat online and have fun with. But the kind that would go through thick and thin with you. Sorry if my expectation is a bit high on my side but I don't really like to have arguments or disputes with anyone. If I ignore you, it means I'm trying to avoid something which I sense is coming sooner or later. Let's just say I'm a coward alright? I've been picking up many many heaps of mess from young. I do not wish to go through the same thing over and over again. It's tiring. I need a break. From what? I don't really know. I've been talking to myself pretty much lately. Just some questions which I know only I have the answer. What's my goal in life? Look at me, 19 years of age and without anything worth mentioning. Some of my friends have already gotten a car license. And some are already waiting for NS enlistment and holding on to an A level certificate. Look at me, 19 years of age and without anything worth mentioning. It's pretty depressing when you tell people that you're 19 years old and still in year 1. The first thing they'll ask is why. It's not as if the wound has heal up already. It's not as if I wanted to fail my O levels badly. I didn't go down on my knees and beg Him to let me fail. I didn't. Although I can say I didn't work hard enough, but I didn't want this either. So can you all stop rubbing salt on the wounds? Stop tearing open my wounds when it's healing not so nicely. I seriously need a break from life. Just when I thought it's safe to take a break, things happened. I don't wish to label them here. Just let them be the past and be forgotten. Yeah, 19 years and I'm still picking up my own mess. Kind of funny ain't it? You tell yourself to grow up every single birthday but something just have to happen when you least expect it. Damn, I just hate surprises. Why can't everything go according as planned? Oh wait, I've heard this before. Life doesn't go according as planned right? Yeah. Life doesn't go according to any rule book. There are no rules. You just have to have a strong heart and will to be prepared for any surprises along the way. Sad to say, I have neither a strong heart nor a strong will. Maybe my situation isn't as bad as others but I definitely don't like the way I am. I think by the time you finish reading till here, you'll think that I like to nag a lot. Yes I do. Since blogs are meant for people to write nonsense. I see no harm pouring everything here. You see, people like to hide behind the computer and do things. And that's exactly what kind of person I am. I have more courage behind the computer screen than in real life. Reason being, I don't have to see you when I talk to you online. I'm not afraid to admit that I'm bad at socializing. I don't know how to say the right things at the right time. I'm lethargic to crowds. I don't like them. I don't like people staring at me like I'm some kind of freak show. I might back out on dates if I'm scared. Sorry Bimbo for constantly backing out. I'm afraid of saying the wrong things or doing the wrong things like I did last time. You don't know how much I waver in your presence. Perhaps I'm just scared of losing you like last time. You know, it's really been very long since we've talked normally. Our conversation are really getting lesser and lesser. Perhaps I'm just not good at maintaining relationships. I can't even maintain a good relationship with all my friends. I guess I'm not matured enough. Bimbo, you asked me to be there for you when you need me. And I've tried my best to solve all your problems. But can I ask you to be there for me when I need you? You don't have to do much, just smile and all my problems will be gone. But I don't even dare to tell you face to face that how much I like you. I think it's my personality to keep every single thing to myself. All those fun, jovial characteristics of mine are nothing of false pretense. If you've seen me staring into space and keeping quiet. Then perhaps you've seen the real me. Given this unique personality of mine, I can safely conclude that I'll never get another girlfriend again. For all those whom I've been ignoring all these while. Sorry but I need some time to recuperate. My interest for anyone last only for 2 minutes. That excludes you, Bimbo. I can never get tired of you. And please reply my message OK? Don't go missing again. And that marks the end of this long but useless post.
Goodbye.