I'm sure everyone will be enjoying themselves now that the holidays are here.
Who wouldn't?
But sad to say, I can't seem to find the festive mood that everyone is talking about.
Sometimes you realized that life has no options.

The things I say and the thoughts I carry seem to be hurting everyone around me.
It just sears into the people around me before they burn me.
And I lose things before I realized what was coming.
But keeping things to myself just eats me up.

Therefore, I don't know what to do anymore.
My friends are all leaving me, somehow.
I wonder if it's because of my weird temperament; my natural predisposition doesn't seem to go along with anyone.
Or is it because of my unwillingness and reluctance to put in much commitment into any relationship.

I think I'm a person of swift judgment; I'm both critical and stubborn.
And I have plenty of theories for every single thing.
But when it comes to problems regarding myself, the theoretical part of me just disappears.
Where did the hypothesis go?
I found myself left with only excuses and more excuses, and sometimes lies.

What's wrong with me?
Can anyone explain the dilemma I'm having now?
Sometimes I maybe appear to be laughing and joking with you.
But a thousand, maybe a million things are running through my mind at that instant.
A million strange things I would say.

I'm scared of myself at times, scared of how I lose control over myself so easily.
Usually, the damage is already done by the time I gained back control.
I'm just too insecure and too self-conscious for myself to handle.
Happiness was always short lived for me, its departure was inevitable.
Never once had I felt truly happy for more than a second.
The joy just flickers after a split second and dies off.

As you can see, I can describe myself in so many ways that you'll think that I have a serious split personality.
But it's all part of me; all part of me you have to accept if you want to be my friend.
If you decide that it's all too much for you to accept and you want to be classified as a stranger in my tiny friend list, feel free to tell me.
You don't have to beat around the bush or say things like, "No hard feelings right?"
Seriously, there really isn't any so called "hard feelings".
I perfectly understand the theory of how friends come and go.
And I'm pretty much used to it by now.
So if you really think that I ain't worthy to be your friend.
Leave a message, don't prolong your misery.
Sometimes you realized that life has no options.